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A Drug Intervention Gone Wrong

- Sponsored by the entire cigarette industry -
"Tom and Helena hold a drug intervention for Matt"

Tom: Matt, I think you might have a drug problem.

Matt: Yeah, I know.. I've been trying to control the levels of chronic I smoke but I can't help it, man. It seems like the Altoids box is forcing me to smoke what's in it and it won't rest. And I can't stop the damn box. Thanks, guys. I'm glad you care.

Tom: Actually, it's not about that -- pot isn't addictive. This is about cigarettes. How do you feel about your pack-a-day habit?

Matt: Uhh.. alright, I guess. Cigarettes are legal, at least. They might give me lung cancer at some point but oh well.

Tom: Well, what we've come to tell you is that we don't actually give a shit.

Helena: Good word choice, Tom!

Matt: This is interesting. What an unusual way to intervene.

Tom: Nothing unusual. You can continue smoking as much as you want.

Matt: Um, what do you mean?

Tom: What we mean is that we don't care. You're an arrogant, selfish bastard. You bring nothing but evil to this world. You're a jerk!

Helena: Asshole. "Asshole" is a better choice of words here.

Tom: Yep, we actually hope you continue smoking.

Matt: What, seriously? You don't care at all?

Helena: Not really.

Tom: Ever tried heroin? What a great habit. Just start with injection; more fun that way and much easier for you to overdose with a needle.

Helena: We hope you do.

Tom: We didn't suggest it, by the way. Just don't drop the cigarettes.

Helena: Up the cigarettes!

Matt: I'm speechless. Literally.

Tom: Also, consider meth. What else.. Crack? Ketamine?

Helena: Just chugging endless bottles of cough syrup will do the trick.

Tom: The list could go on and on and on. Unfortunately, we do have to go to church.

Helena: See you later, alligator.

Matt: ...